Sometimes it’s hard to have the confidence to talk about body confidence.
When you’re feeling particularly vulnerable it can be daunting to speak up about your body concerns, especially given our often overthought perception of what responses you will get. Thoughts such as... Will the person understand? Will I be mocked? Will I find the words or freeze to the spot?
However, we encourage you to consider the opposite, more reassuring side of the spectrum – one which is far more likely. By speaking up you are able to connect with another person, someone who may share similar worries to you. What comes with that is the possibility of lightening the load, the possibility of acceptance, of understanding, progress and change from whatever point you are starting at.
Let’s break it down and take a look, and focus on the essence of what we mean by ‘dare’. Here’s our lowdown for getting the confidence to talk:
We begin with challenging ourselves. We promise, it isn’t as scary as it sounds.
How realistic is it that our fears will come to fruition?
All of us experience unpleasant emotions and thoughts. We’d like to reassure you that this is perfectly normal and natural. Some 500 years ago Michel de Montaigne said ‘my life has been filled with terrible misfortune: most of which never happened’. Nowadays, there is research that proves it and explores how many of our imagined calamities never happen. The study revealed that 85% of our worries will never materialise1. Think back to worries you may have had previously, and consider those which no longer manifest… What happened to them?
What about the 15%? The worrying thoughts and fears are still there..?
The study also showed that even when the 15% did happen, 79% of the subjects discovered they could handle the situation better than they thought, and that the challenge they faced saw them grow as a result1. For these worries, we encourage you to write the thoughts down. Then act like a barrister in a court of law, honestly investigate and question your thoughts/beliefs. What evidence do you have against this? For example: My friend will laugh at me when I tell them I’m worried I am not good-looking enough to attract a partner. Has this happened before? Are there any examples you can find of this not being the case? How useful is this thought to you? Who would you be/or what would you achieve without this thought?
Now we set the scene.
Think about the right person to talk to.
We all have different skills and strengths. Some people are more experienced in listening than others. Thinking about all the people in your life and selecting the right person to speak to, or seeking advice on this can help give us the confidence boost we need to open up. Let’s face it – if we go to a really enthusiastic person who wants to ‘fix’ our problems straight away – although it’s from a place of care it can feel over-whelming.
We must also remember that people are not always in the right place to hear what we have to say, so it is worth considering the weight of what you are putting on someone before opening up. Unsure? Our top tip is to test the water and ask them before taking the plunge. If you get the listeners permission to speak then you are paving the way for success. For example, you could say: “I’m not confident about speaking up. I need to talk to someone about some struggles I’m having but I am aware it might be tough to hear, or you may have a lot on your own plate at the moment. I want to check in and see how you’d feel about me talking to you? When would be a good time for me to chat to you about this in the future?” You will quickly get a sense of the person’s response and they may invite you to talk then and there, but you also can stop the conversation by planning for another time if you‘d prefer or if you decide you’re not ‘feeling it’.
Plan in advance what to say & when to say it.
Ldn dares founder Ursula Joy first spoke to a friend on the phone about some worries she was having. She found it useful because she could write down key points in advance of the conversation. On other occasions she has turned to her GP. If you struggle to say the words out loud then you can write them down and read out like a letter.
Don’t let previous barriers stop you, it’s all part of our continuous journey of learning and growth.
We’ve all had times when we’ve had the confidence to speak up and it hasn’t gone so well – this could be for a variety of reasons. Maybe it was the wrong time to talk to the person and they were distracted by something internal or external? Maybe the person struggled to empathise as they didn’t have the experience to be able to? Or maybe they cast judgment, as this is how they had been treated themselves? Whatever the reason was it can be helpful to remember:
1. There is no winning or failure in life, only reflecting, learning, and growing. You tried, and you learned something, now how can you use that learning to grow?
2. You are not responsible for the reactions of others, we are only responsible for our own actions. We can influence and lead the way by example but that is all, so let go of that control.
3. Shame dies when stories are told in safe places. So for your next attempt, think about where that safe place is for you.
You will find, when you do take this pre-planned positive risk by daring, your confidence will have indeed already increased, and your world is ripe for change as a result.
Written by Ldn Dares Artistic Director and Body Confidence Coach Ursula Joy